6.26.2017

Emotions, a guy and a prophecy...

I am in a weird mood. 

I'm sad and pissed, and frustrated all at once. 

And I need to let this go, in fact I was totally fine up until a few nights ago - but I saw someone who triggered a shit ton of emotions in me that, if I'm honest, I just don't think I realized I wasn't dealing with. A real mixed bag.

And now I'm dealing with them - and it's annoying af. 

I just... I'm so disappointed. At this point with guys in general, but especially with this one in particular. Because he is one of the good ones. The really good ones. The the kind that comes to the table ready, prepared and patient. Or at least, that's how he came to mine.

And we had a really good thing. He put serious time and effort into genuinely getting to know me. Befriending me. Learning me. Breaking down my walls, pushing me to open up, trust, and promising to care enough about me as a a friend, a woman, a person, to not be like the others. Only to end up just that, of course.

And it's nothing knew, I get it. I'm not the only, the first, or the last to fall for this yet again - I know. But I did. I really let myself go there. I not only genuinely cared for him as a human, a friend, but I fell for the charm, and smile, and ability to make me feel safe enough to just be me, and like it, too. And I miss that. Now this beautiful thing that we had that made me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I thought of it is stained and ruined. And that makes me sad.

I saw myself with him. 

I don't really think I ever let myself go there consciously, because I needed to keep a poker face and protect myself. But secretly, inside... I hoped. I wanted.

And this makes no sense to any of you - I get that. It's out of the blue, and believe me - it is for me too. And if we're being totally honest, at this point, the details don't even matter because that's over now - and I will be fine. But I'm just so tired. Tired of investing time and energy and love in people who are only in it for convenience. I mean, how is respect for vulnerability and truth, and the effort it takes to be real, and raw and open not a thing? What am I missing?

I can't tell if it's a guy thing, a generation thing, or a fear thing - or all. But I can feel me closing off to it, and that worries me.

My dad told me I was going to have a hard time at this. He said he knew that the second I was born. 

xo

1 comment:

  1. Only means there's something your ment to do.. for may this not seem like momentum but only gravity. Ahh I got all poetical... Hope all is well and hope today is gem!

    Cheers
    Mav

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