Sooooo... I broke it off.
(Not today, that would be cruel. Friday.)
And instantly, I knew it was right. I just felt so overwhelmingly relieved.
It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how much you're holding onto something until you opt to let it go. I had a feeling I was in my head too much;. I kept questioning whether being with someone was a mental decision or a feeling; if you somehow have to choose between fun and love. But it wasn't sitting well. And then, when I finally did decide to just to cut him loose - not because I had an answer but because the guilt of asking him to wait on me while I tried to figure things out was wearing me out - it was like "oh yeah, no, it's definitely a feeling."
And just like that, I was instantly reassured. Reminded that if its supposed to be - it will actually just be. There is no in your head, there is no needing to slow down, there is no trying to rationalize... anything. It will just work.
Because love is energy. You feel it. In every part of your being. And if its not there - its not you, its not him - its just not love.
What I also realized was that, even though he is "the perfect guy" (you know, mature, kind & looking to settle down) that means jack squat if you're not "the perfect girl".
And I'm soooooooo not the perfect girl. What I thought I wanted is someone else's dream. Maybe from comparing myself to others around me, or maybe because I'm not actually there yet - but not mine, nevertheless.
I may not know what I want exactly, but I know it involves some level of adventure and bohemia. The cookie-cutter standard, life or guy, is not for me.
Amazing the things we learn.
And funny enough, my breaking point came while I was cleaning on the day of the new moon. Literally and emotionally purging, and making room for the new.
Guess I'm more in sync with ole' girl than I thought. (Yay me.)