Jan 26th? What the eff. Sorry guys, I didn't realize I was in my bubble for that long.
I took January off.
For several reasons really, but mostly having to do with figuring out what the fuck I'm doing with my life (what else is new).
I'm developing a bad case of anxiety, though, its rough.
I'm not sleeping, and often times I wake up several times a night with a choking feeling with panicked thoughts about bills and jobs and time running through my brain. Which I'm reading as, clearly, a deep dissatisfaction regarding my purpose. Right?
Also, I've been having very violent dreams. With a lot of nose breaking and kicks to the face and nasty cartilage busting sounds, but I think that's because I'm watching The Knick right now. (unrelated.)
But anyway, that's basically the gist.
I swear, it's times like this when I realize, despite what we may think or feel we're ready for, how blessed we are that the timing of our life is not something we get determine. I mean, imagine if I had a family right now like want? They'd be fucked. Literally eating cornflake sandwiches.
So yeah, resolution #1 of 2017: get your shit together. Plain and simple.
But, more importantly (and for this blog's intent and purpose anyway) on the love front things are going... ok actually.
I have been seeing someone for about two months now. He's amazing. Literally nothing wrong with him. Tall, handsome, kind, driven, open minded & adventurous, a good dresser, a foodie (!), affectionate, honest and to the point.... ready.
...Right? Pretty awesome.
And me? Oh you know, f*cked as usual. Sigh.
I'm just in my head. Now to be fair, I am an Aquarius so that's basically where I was created to reside, BUT I'm so deep in my head that I'm having a bit of trouble just enjoying this. Or is it that I'm not able to enjoy this and therefore am retreating into my head? That's the great allure with us Aquarians, no one ever knows what the fuck we're thinking (including us).
But quite seriously, I'm just a tiny bit... overwhelmed? Which I feel silly for saying because this is exactly what I have been asking for.
I think what it is, is - it's been forever since I've been in a relationship. Since I've actually committed to being with someone, not just intimately in a physical sense, but wholly. Truly. Letting someone into my life and making them and their feelings a part of my day to day; my decisions. I've become so used to "dating" (... shopping... browsing), that I've mastered how to let people into my life, without letting them into my heart. I know how to keep that part safe.
So, its going to be an adjustment. A slow one. One that I will require a lot of patience on his side (which he has, by the boat load) and one that will require me to hop out of my head and inhabit the old graveyard that used to be my heart.
I just have to clear to a few cobwebs first.
The good news is, he's exactly the type of guy to do this for.