First date fate...

So, I'm fucked up. And I mean, really screwed in the head.

About love.

I want it, I know how to recognize it, I know how to call for and welcome it, feed it - but I can't won't let myself have it, receive it.

Hows that for self torture?

All this time, all this work trying to understand, re-learn, and open up to the idea of love - and I'm too afraid of it to actually do anything with it when it comes to me.

And if that isn't the narrative of my life...

Finally, after all this time, someone who is, in so many ways, everything I have prayed and called for comes in, and I clam. I do the whole you-can-know-me-but-not-really act I do with everyone (which he totally saw through by the way, because he is the definition of emotional intelligence) and sit there analyzing every single word and breath as if they'll reveal pieces of my future if I just look hard enough. Because I need to know. I cant just trust, not in that. 

And so instead of listening... feeling... being... I was thinking. And I totally missed what could have been the most beautiful weekend of my life. And worse, he could see it. Feel it, and my hesitations.

When the truth is, this is so very much what I have wanted - I'm just deathly afraid to hold it.

I realize you're totally in the dark here. I haven't talked about him at all for fear of jinxing it. Jinxing him. He's incredible. The kind of guy who doesn't come around often. The kind of guy who gets things on a deeper level, who understands the meaning of life and the weight of its details - love, family, faith (in something), good deeds, kind words. The kind of guy you don't let slide through your fingers should you be so lucky to find him. And that's exactly what I did.

God, it took us a year to get our feet on the same piece of tile and I let all my bs come with me.

Why? Why do I insist on being this person? Easy - because if you don't claim it, it can't be taken away from you. So here I am never really having anything. Solution driven, as always.

I knew he was going to teach me things ... I just didn't know it would be about me. 

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