Ok ok ok.. I need to write this down before I lose my mojo.
I take back my last post. Well, sorta.
It was fresh, I was emotional, and I was being really hard on myself. (Thanks to my girls for making me realize that).
I think, in all truth, I did fuck up a bit. In the sense that, over the past couple years, my biggest lessons have been about re-collecting my pieces and putting them back together again - self-confidence, self-identity, understanding that love is a beautiful thing that even though there are are really shitty, selfish, shitty-ass people out there (did I say shitty?), for the most part, good does exist.
So this was very much my opportunity to put all those lessons to the test - and I didn't. I clammed.
BUT, that's really ok.
Because knowing isn't the same as being. So knowing what or how I had to be, wasn't any kind of accurate reflection on where I actually was in my healing. Are you following? Like, it was step 1, of.... well, who the fuck knows how many really (honestly, it would be so nice if I could just have the slightest idea of how big this coursebook is, just a glimpse). But the point is, it wasn't step 10, like I thought it was. Or felt it was.
Actually fucking up, in person, with him (and potentially sabotaging this for good but we won't focus on that part right now), was what I needed to actually now begin the work. For real.
I know what my issues are. I have for a long time, like I can list them for you in a heartbeat - but actually fixing them wasn't being put to practice because I wasn't really testing that knowledge on something or someone I actually gave a fuck about ... till now.
That's huge! Well, in my world it is.
So, maybe, just maybe he was that for me. A lesson. A hard one to have to swallow (no pun intended), but one none the less. Because for the first time in a looooooong time I actually invested time (a year!) and care (I was rationalizing four babies!) into this one. The kind that really takes you to the next level in your growth.
So, here we are. At page one, again. But, in a new chapter. And with actual understanding of exactly where I'm at. And, in fairness, that's thanks to him. I know where I stand now, and what I need to work on, and can finally, actually, begin.
We'll see what happens with us but, regardless, whatever the outcome, this journey with him has served me. Well.
So I can make peace with that.