So I had a really interesting conversation the other day. Well actually, two.
First - a rather blunt conversation about a my inability to cut things off with people, and at what point do I draw the line (in dating, committed love, friendships, etc.) Which is fair enough because I do tend to hang on to well, everyone - regardless of whether I "need" to or not, so to speak. I just kind of keep being "cool" with everything under the guise of not judging: selfishness, actions not matching up to words, people just generally not taking care, and putting other things before me, before love etc. Not in a way that harms me too much though, no, I now recognize what is and isn't healthy love and know when to take my distance. I just don't tend to hold things against people for too long, or let much taint my perception of who they are as a person. Unless they are a total fuck up of course, but even then, that's more about me letting go of it; they just get removed from my life, once and for all. But in general, I let a lot slide. Mainly because I don't care enough to hold the grudge (just too much work and I don't have time), and also because karma is the only guarantee in life - you get what you put out. It's not a joke, it's physics - there is no cheating it.
The flip side of that is that I often tend to put up with a lot of crap that I don't need to. Especially when it comes to guys. From little things like lagging or inconsistent communication, to attaching myself and my time to unavailable men because of we have a "genuine connection", friendly or otherwise. And no judgement, life isn't black and white and love is complicated and time is finicky so things don't always happen in the most comfortable order. But I can do better, for me.
Anyway, then, the other night I was having drinks with a new friend and doing the whole love life breakdown thing and mentioning, in passing, that I wasn't good at breaking things off with people and often find myself in situations that I don't necessarily want to be in because I have a problem taking saying no to it - and she said something that hit me like a brick in the face. She said, quite matter of factly while concentrating on her humus spread, "Because you have a fear of missing out. You feel like they have something to offer you that you don't think you can offer yourself. You need to figure out what that is and why."
Just like that. As if she was saying she ate a turkey sandwich for lunch.
Meanwhile I'm sitting there like... whoa.
Like the universe just ripped a giant crack through my ceiling revealing itself to me in all its glory. (I know you know what I mean). That is some truth right there.
But then, all the best things are. (like a delicious tuna crudo.)
So that's where I'm at now. What I'm I getting from those relationships, or looking for from those people, that I'm not giving myself? Love? Care? Attention?... Opportunity? Confidence? What?
And the thing is, I am, and have been for a long while, very confident in who I am and what I have to offer. There is nothing I think I can't do, nothing I think I can't handle. But there is obvi some truth there, because when it comes to taking care of me, my track record is kind of shit.
So ... I have some work to do, stat.