Dear Diary....

I haven't been sleeping very well.

I have anxiety and I don't have a coping mechanism for it.

It's a relatively new thing for me to be honest; I've never really had to deal with this until recently. Since him. Since my sense of purpose and maybe even lovability have been called in to question.

But what I realized this morning while up at 3 am, alone, anxious, scared, with only my thoughts and fears running frantically through my head, is that in these moments, when I'm feeling my most vulnerable - I don't have anyone to hug me. To hold my hand. To kiss me on the forehead and tell me it's all going to be ok.

I have to be that, and do that for myself. And that's hard. Because I'm the one breaking down.


Ugh, I want that so bad. 

But I'm going to need to let someone in on order for that to happen. And I'm not sure if I'm as ready to receive love as I thought I was.


  1. I've felt this at times as well. You'll be ok though, it's just loneliness. It comes and goes. It's better to be that person for yourself than get it from the wrong one anyway.

  2. When you put it like that - true. Maybe a body pillow will do in the meantime.