Well, maybe not "new me". Maybe just ... more me.
More me and more sure than I ever have been.
... Oh yeah, happy new year.
Mine is off to decent start. I've cleared my plate - completely. I'm no longer holding onto anything or anyone that doesn't serve me or push me forward, and it feels really great. For the first time in a long time I have absolutely NO guys in my life. I made a very clear choice to remove all the bullshit from my plate in December, and the weird thing is, instead of feeling lonely or insecure or whatever I think I thought it would make me feel - it's given room to breath. To think. To be.
And I've never felt better.
My plate is totally empty. There is officially nothing sitting in the way of whatever is to come next. And it's going to stay that way.
Side note: I've also never felt more sure about what I want next. In terms of a guy/relationship. Like, I don't have anymore time for casual. I don't care how long it takes, but the next guy I see/sleep with is going to be "the guy". The one who is all of the things I've been too afraid to ask for. Who is ready, willing and capable of stepping up to me, and can function on my level. Of course I realize that this could be a loooong while, but, I think I'm ok with that. And as for the sex well, really, there's nothing a guy can do that I can't do for myself - so we good.
I'm just done with dating down. Dating people who I know won't actually make it to the end. I'm done playing the game. Letting them love me, just because it makes me feel better. Harsh? Maybe. Selfish? Definitely. But... true. Also true is the realization that all the grief I've been suffering is in fact, self inflicted and not, not really, the fault of the guys I've been dating. Because I knew they were'nt shit (so to speak). But I guess the pain of heartache was still less than the weight of the burden and responsibility of actually loving and commiting to someone. (brain explodes)
But I'm so ready for all of that now. I just feel like I understand how to love better now, and I can't wait to give it. And receive it.
I also want babies. (That part literally happened over night. Biological clocks are real, people.)
Do I sound crazy? I feel a little crazy these days. In a good way though, not an undatable kind of way (boys). I'm definitely not crazy crazy, I just want the full monty and am speaking it into existance. Because if you don't how can it come back to you ... right?
I'm willing to wait though. And I have to learn patience, because I am going to be picky. But I'm ready. So ready. And open. In fact, those are my words of the year. Ready and open.
And even though it's all scary as hell and I have trouble sleeping some nights - I do have this feeling that something is just around the corner. Who knows what the fuck is, but I feel it.
And I'd say that's a pretty good start one week in.