I think, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, or maybe I do, I think maybe I'm, subconsciously, or is it consciously? I don't know, anyway - I think I'm choosing unavailable men. On purpose.
There, I said it.
I mean obviously, I definitely chose one unavailable man recently, yes (though he certainly didn't market himself that way, not that it matters now) but beyond that, the last few guys I've "talked" too, have all been unavailable in one way or another.
Before the athlete it was the Californian - well, two Californians actually, the surfer and writer. But regardless, both were from California. And live in California. While I live here, in Canada. Now, granted, I met one on business while traveling and in all fairness, you can't help who you meet and connect with, but the other, well, he was very much my own doing. I followed him on social media and he seemed like an incredibly intelligent and funny guy, and when I happened to be in LA on business one time, I reached out. Then there was another (good) athlete (again, not really single and also only here for 6 months out of the year), and then, shortly after him, in an effort to distract myself from my heartache, the Brit, who was/is here on a temporary contract of sorts as well.
So... pattern much?
And, save for the
And that's what brought me to breakthrough. Why? Why am I not choosing people I can build with? Why am I not wanting my tomorrows to be promised? Why am I actively seeking people I don't have to commit to; to promise too much of myself to?
The distance, figuratively and literally, is convenient. Its my security blanket. It's this wall thats already there. I don't even have to take responsibility for it. In fact, I think thrive off the fact that it gives me the freedom to be ...well, to just be. Me, alone, independant... yet, wanted.
But, not the good kind; the kind that ends up hurting you & others. I think the fact that I'm aware of it is good though, because that means that I have no excuse, really.
I didn't say I have an answer here, I just said I came to a realization. And thats it. Something inside of me, is choosing to do things the hard way. Choosing the torture of developing feelings for people I can't have. I know this has something to do with self love, and probably not feeling like I deserve it, but I'm not sure how, or why.