10.23.2015

I have a thing for complicated situations...

I had a bit of a realization the other day. Well, not a bit of one, a whole one. A major breakthrough of sorts.

I think, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, or maybe I do, I think maybe I'm, subconsciously, or is it consciously? I don't know, anyway - I think I'm choosing unavailable men. On purpose.

There, I said it.

I mean obviously, I definitely chose one unavailable man recently, yes (though he certainly didn't market himself that way, not that it matters now) but beyond that, the last few guys I've "talked" too, have all been unavailable in one way or another.

Before the athlete it was the Californian - well, two Californians actually, the surfer and writer. But regardless, both were from California. And live in California. While I live here, in Canada. Now, granted, I met one on business while traveling and in all fairness, you can't help who you meet and connect with, but the other, well, he was very much my own doing. I followed him on social media and he seemed like an incredibly intelligent and funny guy, and when I happened to be in LA on business one time, I reached out. Then there was another (good) athlete (again, not really single and also only here for 6 months out of the year), and then, shortly after him, in an effort to distract myself from my heartache, the Brit, who was/is here on a temporary contract of sorts as well.

So... pattern much?

And, save for the devil bad athlete, they were, are, all really great guys. Genuinely. Mature, kind, open-hearted and otherwise very normal guys. Just not really... available. Two of them I literally couldn't see because they were so far away, and the other two, nomads of sorts. And even though I've had amazing connections and chemistry with each of them, it's difficult to build with someone when tomorrow isn't promised.

And that's what brought me to breakthrough. Why? Why am I not choosing people I can build with? Why am I not wanting my tomorrows to be promised? Why am I actively seeking people I don't have to commit to; to promise too much of myself to?

The distance, figuratively and literally, is convenient. Its my security blanket. It's this wall thats already there. I don't even have to take responsibility for it. In fact, I think thrive off the fact that it gives me the freedom to be ...well, to just be. Me, alone, independant... yet, wanted.

Selfish. 

But, not the good kind; the kind that ends up hurting you & others. I think the fact that I'm aware of it is good though, because that means that I have no excuse, really.

I didn't say I have an answer here, I just said I came to a realization. And thats it. Something inside of me, is choosing to do things the hard way. Choosing the torture of developing feelings for people I can't have. I know this has something to do with self love, and probably not feeling like I deserve it, but I'm not sure how, or why.

Thats next.

1 comment:

  1. You know what I really love about your blog? You take time to reflect on your actions, but you don't judge yourself for them. Or if you do, it's in the same way a mum would, so that you do better next time. It's very interesting to read.

    ReplyDelete