8.19.2015

Personal space...

You know what's really fucking tough? Space.

Specifically, getting it. Like after a break-up. And from the person you've broken up with.

Cold turkey is the only way to do things right, we know this already. And its one thing to hope and pray that they don't reach out to you while you're out there fighting the good fight, so to speak (you know, doing your best to not creep and analyse every single like/post/comment from a distance?), but like, when everyone and their mother starts reporting every little rumor and sighting they hear and see in an effort to "help" - it's damn near impossible to keep your whits about you.

Seriously, its like knowing you're going to have a heart attack, but not knowing what the triggers are, and subsequently when its going to happen. So you just tip-toe through each day, waiting for that ultimate chest cramp.

Its stressful. Its annoying. And the worst part is you're desperate for it. Like a drug. It feeds this incessant craving deep inside that needs to know (or hope) that they're absolutely miserable without you.

Its nasty, and draining.

...

I found out he asked her to marry him.

Yeah. Someone "thought I should know".

And I'm grateful honestly, I am. Because, in a weird way, this was the closure I had been looking for.

Like, ok, I can put this chapter away now.

It shook me, for about an hour or so. I was definitely shocked, but not in the least surprised.

It was never going to be us. And deep down, I knew that. Because I'm not capable of being the type of girl he needs to live the lifestyle he wants. I could never be... would never be. I want love. I want respect. I want more than he could ever offer, and am worth more than his best.

And though I feel a million things right now, I mostly feel lucky. Lucky to have gotten out of that. Lucky that I have people around me who litereally could not and would not sit by and watch me throw my life away to someone like him. Or at all, really.

And I also feel terribly sad for her. Mainly, that she doesn't. And if she does, that she can't refuses to hear them.  

But, it's not my energy to expend. I got out. I get to move on... and that's a good thing.

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes it's really hard to move on and forgot how much someone has hurt us.

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    1. I don't think its about forgetting, I dont think you can. You need to remember to for the lessson. But we do need to be able to let go... and that's the tricky part.

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  2. This guy sounds like a twat.

    I know these types, they are all the same, and they are all pathetically insecure. You've dodged a bullet, my dear. Trust me.

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  3. It is really hard to get space in a break up. But these kind of things are testers to see how well or far you're coming along. It sounds to me like you're doing pretty well, just keep plugging along and you'll get there.

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