1.06.2014

New Year, New Perspective...

Well, first post of 2014...  HOW EXCITING, RIGHT?

Yeah no, I totally agree, not at all. 

Another year, another foot is what I say. As in crows foot. On my face. Around my right eye specifically. *consciously stops squinting*

But speaking of having my face stepped on, I'd pretty much sum up 2013 that way, as well. Or at least, thats what it felt like a lot of the time. 

Seriously though, despite having started out with the best of intentions, and weekly efforts to maintain a positive outlook through self pep-talks, by the time November came around, I think I would probably be considered, what most people might describe as mildly depressed presenting symptoms of a quarter-life crisis. (I'm writing this like you guys haven't been noticing this theme in my more recent posts...) 

But its true, and that much, I can admit too. And while I wouldn't mind a few happy pills here and there, I know I'm not actually depressed because, thankfully, and for what I would assume is unlike most people who actually are this way, I know exactly why it is that I'm feeling stuck in this "rut" called my life right now, and am very much working towards, getting out of it. (I like to think that that part is key.) 

If I'm honest with myself, I've been feeling this way for several years now, but for whatever reasons - family, boyfriend, work - I've been ignoring it. Hence, my now being at the breaking point. 

So, after A LOT of tears and reflection, I've come to realize that (insert drumroll here): ... I am totally lonely. And on top of that, I'm totally shit coping with it.

"... But wait, you've said this before."

I know. But hear me out, because what I thought loneliness was, is not. Like, at all. 

First, I thought that my loneliness had to do with being single, or not having a guy in my life. Not the case because I felt lonely in my last relationship, and the attention from the guys I'm talking to now, does nothing to stifle it either. Then, I thought loneliness had to do with friends, and not having people around me. So I literally scheduled more plans, re-united with old friends, and tried to make friendships a priority of mine. Also not the case. Then, I thought it had to do with my new found independence, and really having being on my own for the first time in my life, and having real responsibilities like bills and a car and a schedule to commit too. But again, it was more than that. 

I was going through a lot of changes, and doing everything I was supposed to do, to be able to deal. And thats when I realized what the problem was. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to make make me feel a part of something, make me feel purposeful, but I don't.

And that's it right there; loneliness isn't an incoming thing, its an out-going thing. It has absolutely nothing to do with how many people and things are around you, but rather your sense of connection to them.

I am totally disconnected. This life, the one I'm living - my career, my friends, my responsibilities, this city - it's not me anymore. I don't know what is me, but I know it's not this.

And I have to do something about that.

... hello 2014.

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