1.13.2014

Step 1: Admit that You Have a Problem...

So, had a bit of an epiphany today while talking to T ... some self-realization action one could say.

It was good thing for the most part - as epiphanies usually are, I suppose - but it also made me acutely aware of just how fucked up I really am right now. So that part's kind of depressing. 

Not like crazy girl with trust issues and a shit-ton of baggage fucked up - no, not that, thank god. More like, totally sane intelligent girl who, despite knowing she has so much to offer, insists on self-sabotage by clinging onto her insecurities kind of fucked up. 

Phew, right? Only that.

Ugghhhhhh, hopeless I tell you. 

Anyway, we were talking about how shy I am, and how I need to work on my insecurities and practice opening up to people and not brushing everything & everyone around me off just because I'm looking ahead, towards the next chapter in my life - all true, and fair. But it was while we were psychoanalyzing my sad little life (as good friends do) that I realized that all, literally ALL, of my most recent "connections" (and I use that term very loosely) have been these random long distance ones. Old friends who live far away now, and new strangers in places I've only dreamed of. 

Why?

Truthfully... because it's easier, I guess. Because not having to actually carry out the responsibilities that come with being a friend or girlfriend means I get the satisfaction of being social, without any of the effort. Because this way I still get to be alone and feel sorry for myself when the day is done.

Good thing this isn't supposed to be a dating blog or anything - oh wait... shit.

Pathetic. 

Way to go, Monday.

6 comments:

  1. i think this just described my entire life... i can totally relate!

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    1. Hey, at least you recognize it. Only up from here :)

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  2. You are not alone! I suffer from the same issue. I am always focusing on "What's next... If this was happening I would be so much happier..." And you'r eright, at least you are acknowledging the issue. Don't be so darn hard on yourself! You're human!!!!

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    1. Aww I love your comments! Thank you! I'm good, just an opportunity to re-focus, right? :)

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