It was over a month ago, but works been insane and I haven't really had a moment to sit and write about - well, anything really. Anyway, I thought you’d like to know that I'm over that shit.
And by shit, I mean feeling sorry for myself, not what I was crying about.
I'm still feeling very alone, and my relationship with T is definitely changing - albeit slowly,which I’m not sure so much to do with him trying to make it easier on me as it does with neither of us really being ready to let go of each other - but that’s a can of worms I’d rather not open right now…
But I’m dealing. I've locked all that away in a tiny drawer in my mind at this point, and I'm not taking it back out again.
I can't. If I want to stay sane, and get to whatever is supposed to come next – or whoever - I seriously need to stop wallowing in my perceived pity, and get on with it.
Yes you’ve got to let yourself go through the motions and feel what I you’re feeling – but you’ve also got to give yourself a deadline, and end point, a stop time. And that’s exactly what I did.
I gave myself 2 weeks to be a sad pathetic ball of mess. I stopped going to the gym, ditched socializing (with anyone) in favor of lying in bed, and ate boatloads of ice cream (…sometimes lactose free, sometimes not). No those may not have been the smartest decisions to make, andyeah, I kicked myself for it later, but I did what I needed to do at the time, so I let me.
But 2 weeks was it. After that, the checklist came in to play, and there were no more tears. (I’m going to post the check list, don’t worry)
Now, a month down the road, I’m feeling great again. I can see things more clearly now, and understand that those emotions were the result of several things actually. Mmmmostly my period, but also, that hadn't really cried like that in months - maybe even a couple of years. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I’ve cried, but mostly out of anger, frustration, and even happiness. Not really out of real sadness, and certainly not sadness for myself. Truthfully, I think I’ve been rationalizing my sadness away for a while now – subconsciously (or consciously, I dunno) bottling it up by finding excuses for it & blaming it on others. But those emotions needed to come out. And when they did, it was like the fucking Hoover damn. (...if it broke.)
You know, when I think about it, it's actually a good thing that I’m living alone now, despite my sense of loneliness - because the state that I was in would have had anyone seriously worried for my mental health. And who knows, I might have been writing this to you now in the waiting room of my new sate ordered therapist’s office. But I’m not, thankfully.
See that? How perfectly the timing of that breakdown happened? ... And all the clarity that’s come from it? That's how you know to just trust that everything happens the way it's supposed to.