There aren't many things that make me cry.
Ok that's a lie, there are many things that make me cry. (Like that YouTube video about the old goat and the blind horse who are best friends, or those cute news story's about seniors couples who win the MegaBux lotteries) But what I mean is that there aren't many sad things that happen to me in my life that make me cry. Much less so to do with people. And even less so than that, guys. Not recently anyway.
Overall, I'm a relatively easy going person. A smart, happy girl who doesn't sweat the small stuff. And while I used to get overly emotional over every epically embarrassing unrequited crush moment - like literally, sobbing in my tub naked kind of emotional (and ps. they were never all that epic in any kind of way either) - I've really turned my shit around over the years and mastered my ability to see & appreciate the lessons those moments hold. Like a real big girl.
But not this past weekend. No, this weekend I cried. A lot.
I spent 3 days in bed, with cheddar flavored popcorn, peanut butter chocolate ice cream, Nerds, Woody Allen films, and chicken nuggets. (Btw, if you want to know the secret to life; it's dipping your nuggets in peanut-butter ice cream. Trust me.)
Why? Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure, it's kind of caught me by surprise.
I think it has to with the fact that I'm feeling vulnerable & a bit lonely right now. Not like physically lonely (well, definitely that actually, but not so desperate that I need to cry about it, yet) - I mean heart lonely.
My sister just left me, Friday - she got a job on the other side of the country and she's gone off to do it, amazing for her, but shitty for me as I've lived with her since I was 3. She's my other half, so I'm feeling a bit lost. Then, same day, T tells me he's met someone, someone serious. Also, I'm taking on a lot more responsibility at work, living on my own for the first time (sans sis), and buying a car. A lot of change for this ole' girl. Too much maybe, at once. I'm not going to pretend that it all has equal parts, I mean, it's rather obvious they don't. But all together, I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
Especially about T (don't worry, I'm not skipping the good part). Truly, I'm happy he's happy, from the bottom of my heart. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt. I think, to be honest, I've just felt like he was mine for the last few months. And I'm realizing, now, that he's been filling a space for me that I'm not sure I even really knew existed, a void, until now. Until he announced he was leaving it.
To be fair, he didn't say he was leaving me, and I don't think he wants to. But I know that he has to. It's only normal, and right - and I would die if I was his girlfriend and knew (or worse, didn't know) that he had the connection we have, with another girl. I would die.
I'm about to be dumped. By my best friend. And I realize that I haven't written about him much on here, so this "best friend" status may seem a little out of the blue, but that's kind of what he's become to me. Which explains a lot. Especially, the part about me spending 3 days in bed over this, and yet barely shedding a tear over Smooth.
Technically, he's not my boyfriend, no - but he is the guy that I've said good-morning & good-night to everyday for the last 6 months. The guy I turn to when I need cheering up, the guy I call when I have good news to share, or a good song, or a new TV show, or just a funny story. The guy I talk to about nothing, just because I can, and flirt with, because I need it. We just "get" each other. And while we've rationalized that as long as we're in 2 separate countries its just not realistic to think about what more could be, I think we both know that what we have is special, one of a kind.
So yeah, that's where I am right now. I'm scared of loosing the guy - my guy - but I know its inevitable. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it happens.
I'm going to be alone alone for the first time in my life...
And I'm absolutely terrified.