6.20.2013

Exes & Awkwardness (Pt. 2): The End

Officially, the last week or so has been hell. After eight months (already?) of being broken up & focused on moving on, I found myself right back in the thick of it with Smooth.

I was ok. I was strong. I was looking forward. And yet, one phone call from him and suddenly I was right back in it all. The emotions as fresh as the day we broke up. 

I've texted him, seen him, yelled at him, and cried with him.

I'm not going to get in into it because it's time this chapter was closed, but what I've come to realize most is that saying goodbye, for real... forever, is the hardest thing you can do.

Our relationship wasn't amazing, but it deserved a better ending than what it got. And I'll always regret that. I still well up with tears if I think about it for too long. 

...

Its funny how after you split, all of those reasons why you couldn't and shouldn't be with someone kind of just get forgotten.

So much so that so that it can have you question whether or not you're making the biggest mistake of your life by saying goodbye.

But its love that makes you think that, not growth. Forgetting is not growing.

No, you don't want to hold onto the anger, and yes, you need to let go. But you can't forget it. You need to remember it, all of it, so that you can move on despite of it. That's growth.

Deep down I know we didn't work. And I know he knows we didn't work. Not in a forever kind of way. We broke up for a reason, and I need to remember that. Not so I can hate him forever, or justify my decision to leave, but so that I don't go backwards.

Not with him, or anyone else.

4 comments:

  1. Hang in there! the best feeling is when you get to a point of indifference. You have to allow yourself to go through all of the different emotions. It's a process but you have to go through it in order to move on. Cry if you need to, scream if you need to, laugh if you need to. But make sure you do all the things you need to heal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah learning that. Bit of roller-coaster, some turns you see, others catch you off-guard, but worth it in the end when you realize you know yourself better now than when you started :)

      Delete
  2. Hardest lesson to learn. Saying that final goodbye leaves the world a little bit grayer, doesn't it? Although it seems like you took one step forward and a million steps back, it's the clear-headed you that made the decision...so don't let your heart get in the way when it gets tough to see the "bad" parts" (and that's a hard thing for anyone to do). Make a list, talk it out, or put it to rest entirely. Thinking of you and thank you for a wonderful blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww thanks Kelsey, that just made me feel awesome. Yup, in the end we have to chalk it up to lessons learned & move forward with no regrets. Full steam ahead...

      Delete