I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. About me & Smooth, and where things went wrong, but also about relationships in general & what they need in order to be successful.
The deal breakers. Not personal ones, but real ones. The things that a relationship cannot survive without.
Trust. Commitment. Work. Partnership. You know, the usual.
Anyway, one thing I’ve realized is that the old adage about not being able to love someone else until you love yourself first, is true.
Like, SO true.
I know I know, this isn't really “news” per say. Your grandma's told you this since you were 5, you've read it in just about every copy of Cosmo, Glamour & GQ you've ever picked up, & Tyra's covered it in about 8 million different episodes.
I get it. Me too.
But as much as you may think you know the meaning of it, the truth is, you don’t. Not until you've faced it for real. Or rather, until you've faced it's consequences for real.
I know this because I'm experiencing it right now. Living it, or rather, dating it.
I'm the person who can't be loved back. I’m in a relationship with someone who can’t commit himself to “us”.
At least, not in the way that’s needed for us to make it in the long run. And by that I mean a true “partnership”. The real 50-50. Not just committing to love & sex & 4 walls, but the everyday work. The promise to be an un-selfish, fully supportive teammate, all of the time.
And it’s all because he’s insecure.
And just so we're clear, I don't mean insecure in a 'head down, I'm not pretty kind of way'. I mean it in a more literal sense; when you literally do not feel secure in your self, your decisions & life's choices, or your ability to take yourself to where you want to go. When you have more questions than answers. More "I don't knows" and " don't know hows", than "I cans" or “I wills”. More concern for other people's opinions about how your life appears to them, than concern for how your life feels to you. More longing for times past, than appreciation of what you've accomplished, or excitement for what's yet to come.
And because of all that crap, he can't fully give himself to me, or our relationship. He can't live in the "right here", and focus on the "right now".
Because of all that, he's not happy. Not really. Not in the way that matters. Sure he can still laugh at things here & there, and he can push stresses aside for a few days at a time. But it never lasts long, because the reminders that he's not where you want to be are constant. Without break. And that gets tiring. That gets annoying. That gets frustrating.
So he takes it out on the person closest to him. Sabotages something good.
And that sucks. For him, and for me.
Worse, it’s something I have no control over, no say in. Something I can’t give to him, or fix for him, as much as I might want to.
The answer to his problems come from one thing, and one thing only: growth.
Something he has to acknowledge, accept & desire for himself.
I can tell him where he can improve, I can try to help him see things in different ways, but I can't change things for him. I can't change the way he looks at the world.
He needs to go through whatever he needs to go through to get to where he needs to be.
... I just need to figure out whether I'm the blessing that takes him there, or the lesson that makes him realize all this.