Tough Love...

Ok. So I was texting my girlfriend recently, catching up and talking about how each others relationships are going, when she asked me this:

Her:  How's your sex life?
Me: Great. You?
Her: (nothing)
Me: Hello?
Her: (longer pause) Its good.
Me: …it is?
Her: Well, it's not great for me… and I know it's not good for *Joey (not real name, obvi)
Me: … ok, so what makes this good?
Her: I don't know… I just can't get turned on anymore.

Ok, so before all you "good sex is everything" people go thinking that this is about a relationship needing to be over, let me just be clear that this situation isn't due to any lack of sex. They are in love, they are happy, and they want to be together… at most we have a case of "its getting old" sex on our hands here.

Yes it's true that these are dangerous waters since relationships can and often do fall apart around bad/unsatisfying/boring/irregular sex no matter how well everything else is going, BUT, it's also true that they can be saved before things have to get to that point. I think the real issue here is how hard they are willing to work at it. (listen up, hun)

If I'm honest, I kind of understand where she's coming from. I mean, at one point, after those early-in-the-relationship butterflies flew off, getting off (for me) wasn't as easy as it used to be anymore. Just talking to him, hearing his voice, or kissing his mouth didn't have me salivating anymore, in my mouth or anywhere else for that matter. Not because my feelings had changed - if anything they were even stronger - but because sex wise, things had to be switched up. New tricks were needed. In the early days, anticipation is half the battle/orgasm, wtv. Just the thought of a kiss, or touch, or more is foreplay enough. After a while, once that particular touch has warn off (…you know, once you realize that's his only "touch" and not to mention, only "code" for sexy time), that changes.

Sucks to hear, but its true.

Love and sex aren't things that "just happen". They start, and then they need to be maintained. You can't just go on doing like you've been doing, because unfortunately - and perhaps it's natures way of telling us to go after what we want in life - we get used to repetitive things, we get bored. Not of the person, just of the routine.

That's why it's so important to treat your sex life like, like.... your cell phone. You have one, you cherish it, you're miserable without it. And as much as you love the damn thing, the truth is, at some point, you want a new one. So you change the ringer, flip the wallpaper, make it feel new again. Get it?

Sex isn't "good" if you know neither one of you is really enjoying it. It's not "good", just because you're having it. You want to want sex. You want to have to have sex. And the only way to do that is to switch it up.

Talk about it. Do all those things you think about but are too scared to say out loud to someone. Find out what each others' sexual code is and tap into it (omg I'm watching wayyyyyy to much Ice T & Coco, this can't be healthy). Seriously though, everyone has at least one. Fantasies, fetishes, something that makes them freak (in a good way). Learn what that is for your partner (your very serious partner, other wise things could just get embarrassing), and make a promise to become an expert at it. For me, it took going to a sex shop with Smooth (something I had never done with a boyfriend before) to get me talking about my "deep downs" and "dirty little secrets", but it got the conversation started. One little field trip opened me up to so much…

So, to my dear friend, if your reading this - which you are, because I've called you to let you know I've posted - don't worry, this problem you are having can be fixed, and very easily at that. The only question is, are you willing to be open enough to solve it? Making love is nice and all, but a good f*ck is what you (both) need right now. If your not already curling each others' toes, and can't find the courage to at least open up and find out what it is that might do that for each other either, then you just might find that love isn't enough after all.

Good luck, x

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