9.11.2010

Oops...

I'm a terrible girlfriend.

Remember how I just said that things were going great with my boyfriend? Like literally one post ago? Well, I've managed to change that. Not intentionally of course (it never is), I've just once again put my foot in my mouth and made a complete mess of things. And not just little things, a big thing, a very serious big thing. A very crucial, very "foundations of a good relationship" kind of thing...

Doubt. In me. In us.

The last thing that anyone in a happy and serious relationship wants is to have their partner concerned about their commitment or loyalty (for whatever reason), and I've managed to jeopardize that myself.

How, you might ask? Well, I've mentioned a name one too many times. A guy's name. A guy I work with who is really nice, but that's it. Someone that I very much do NOT have any kind of inappropriate or unprofessional feelings towards whatsoever. In fact, its quite the opposite. I think the reason why I get along with him as well as I do because he is exactly the opposite of what my boyfriend thinks he is: utterly, completely and obviously nonthreatening. Does that make sense?

What I mean is that sometimes you meet people you can just be cool around precisely because of the fact that they aren't a blip on your radar. At least not in that kind of way. Kind-hearted, genuinely sincere and (best of all) faithfully "attached" (to someone else) kind of people. Well, this guy is that kind of guy. He's a good kid (yes kid, only about 20 or so) who's laid back and happily in love with his girlfriend (and probably one day wife) of 5 years. See? Nonthreatening.

Unfortunately however, my boyfriend doesn't get to see this. He doesn't get to come to work with me and see how this guy is, and how he interacts with everyone, including me. All my boyfriend knows is that I'm cool with a guy at work (among others of course), I sometimes eat lunch with him and some others on break, and he sometimes picks me up and/or drops me off at mine to or from work since it's about 2 streets down from his girlfriend's and totally "on the way". And fyi, I live exactly 3 minutes drive from the front door of our office so it's not like there is time for any heart to hearts or anything. What's started it all is that this guy's name keeps coming up when I talk about work (I mean, we're a small group to begin with, so there are only so many characters involved in each story anyway). And that, in combination with the whole car pooling thing, has him stressed and what I think to be a bit insecure as well… I know I would be.

Now I'm not a retard here, I know that my boyfriend is already being more forgiving about this than most would be given the same situation, trust me, but I really don't know how to get it through to him that this is nothing to be worried about. I mean I hang out with this guy just as much, and in the same way I do with the girls! But then, I do kinda feel bad because I see his side of it and where he's coming from as well. And while I've realized that I should probably just keep my mouth shut about things that happen at work (and believe, from now on I will), I'm worried that the damage is already done.

It's all a big mess right now, and I'm not too sure how to fix it.

But then I hate that there is anything to fix in the first place because there shouldn't be since nothing is going on! And worst of all is that by defending myself I sound all the more guilty of having something to defend! Also, (can't lie here) I'm a bit pissed off that my boyfriend seems to fear that this might turn into something that might threaten our relationship, it's not nearly that serious!? I mean, he should know and trust in my feelings for him… right?

(breath)

Then again, maybe this is only a big deal because my boyfriend and I are seeing less of each other lately and, consequently, having less sex.

But that's another post.

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