12.03.2009

The Break-up...

Ugh. This feeling sucks.

My boyfriend and I just split up. Well, more like he dumped me, but to be honest, it was time. We've been together for the last 15 or so months. On Tuesday it ended. It was horrible. Not the relationship, that was fun (for the most part), and I learned a lot so I don't regret it one bit, in fact, I cherish it. But the actual breaking-up was, and still is, absolutely horrendous - not how I would have imagined it to be in a million years. Emotions were high and we ended up saying things to each other which, if you had told me a week ago I was going to say, would have led me to think you were crazy.

But it was my first relationship, my first boyfriend, my first love (yes I'm a late bloomer - so what), so realistically, it was bound to end at some point. That point should have been about 6 months ago. The first 8 or so months of our relationship were amazing, a real romance. But over the course of the next 7 it was a cycle of arguments and making-up that really just ended up being far more stressful than they should have been, leading both of us to check out periodically.

The list of reasons for why we broke up - as in, the major problems we had that led to the reason he dumped me - includes failures in all of the most important parts of a relationship: communication, trust, support/motivation, and respect. (See? Doomed). But the actual reason for why he ended it was because I considered having a drink with another guy. I didn't actually go for one with him, but I did consider it. Anyway, It doesn't matter what the intentions were - it's a long story, and really, at this point, my explanation for why I agreed to it just doesn't matter anymore - I made a wrong move, and now I have to take responsibility for it. I have guilt, definitely. I've had nightmares, re-living it in my dreams for the last 3 nights in a row. But I think the real guilt that I have comes from hurting him, for the way it ended, and for not doing something about our relationship earlier on rather than the whole drink debacle.

I don't care about the drink. I wasn't really serious when I agreed to it, and I'm definitely not thinking about it now. That situation was a miss-step on my part, a mistake, but not a biggie. (But I mean, it's not like he was Mr. Perfect either, far from it). What I do care about though is the heart I broke. That is something I'm not going to be able to get over. I want so bad to be able to comfort him, to give him a hug, but, obviously, I can't/won't. I'm sorry for the way it ended too, a horrible argument and mean words was not how I would have wanted to say goodbye to him. But the thing I'm most sorry for is that I waited so long to get out. Instead of having conversation after conversation about how we could fix it, trying to convince myself, and him, that we could make it work, I should have just listened to what my gut was telling me. My gut, my family, my friends, and even him at one point. Everyone knew that I had checked out, a while ago, I was just too scared to let go.

But now it's over, not how I had planned, but over none the less. And too be honest, while I do feel sad, I also feel a bit relieved too...

9 comments:

  1. I had one of these relationships for three and a half years - the last two and a half I wanted out but we kept trying to work things out. Looking back at all the things I could have been doing during this time (at uni) - a big mistake.
    plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jesus, you broke up because you considered having a drink with another guy? I split up with my girlfriend after she broke my nose while I was sleeping and paid someone to shoot me! I don't know how old you are, my situation happened in millennium new year when I was thirty.

    Don't worry, you seem like a really nice girl - plenty of chances to break hearts in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would agree with plentymorefish... after the initial heartbreak you will be opened up to so many opportunities that you can enjoy without fear of angering a partner...
    i suffered with nightmares months after one break up so I can empathize so for now, eat ice cream, stay inside and grieve.

    londongirlupnorth.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Story of my life (at the moment anyways). This is almost uncanny.

    We just need to let it happen, then let it pass.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup :(

    But at least you recognise that you'll be okay in the long run (and so will he). If the worst that happened was you two had a big fight and broke it off, then that's already better than some people who do things like cheat on each other...or stab each other in the neck during their sleep.

    Look on the bright side :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I found the longer I kept 'trying' the longer I was less enjoying the relationship. Good luck...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Look on the bright said. Better now than later.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That sucks dude - hope it was for the best?

    ReplyDelete
  9. i don't get it. you got in trouble for something you DIDN'T do? as is you DIDN'T go for a drink and he broke up with you? is that right?

    ReplyDelete