6.15.2009

Lions and Tigers and Cheaters and Liars...

Ok, so it's officially that time of year again: Summer a.k.a 'High Season' (for singles). Long nights, cities crawling with activity, scantily clad bodies and bars crammed with singles, ripe, and fresh out of hibernation. But as much as summer is full of potential, bursting with new opportunities and experiences, it's also, unfortunately, a time for losers who think they're cooler than they are to put on a show and mislead the innocent (singles).
So, because I've had some experience with these types before - and because I'm tired of seeing so many of my young, gorgeous, and intelligent girlfriends get fooled by these imitation rock-stars and their 5 carat cubic-zirconium's - I've put together a quick list of warning signs to help spot the loser in the crowd and avoid losing the countless minutes of over-analysis and frustration that you'll surely invest in trying to figure out "where this is going".

1) He just 'loves' women.

All shapes. All sizes. All colors ... All at the same time! One for everyday of the week! In fact, one for each cell phone! (side-eye). Do they know about each other? Course not. He's been doing this too long to make a silly mistake like that. (Duh.)

2) His conversation revolves around his job (money), his David Beckam cologne, and the latest on Perez.

Listen, this man is either gay, or worse: straight. He reeks of high maintenance and is consumed by superficiality and materialism. While there might be some perks to being with him, like money and fun parties, you won't get to enjoy them because you'll be too busy will your full-time job as entertainer to his ego. You don't want this hun, trust me, you've got 99 problems and this bitch is one more.

3) He speaks to you while doing one of the following: staring at your boobs, looking everywhere but at you, rubbing his hands together like he just counted his money and staring you up and down, or texting constantly.

If its any of the first three, he's only thinking about sex, not his soul-mate. To test if he's paying attention to your conversation, try throwing in a "what do you think?" and wait for an answer. Nine times out of ten you'll need to remind him what you were talking about. If he's texting, it's still about sex, only with the other girl/girlfriend/wife he's texting to. And if its his guy pal on the phone then its definitely about sex... the sex he's going to have with you after he spikes your drink.

4) He's a Model. And an Actor. And a semi-pro athlete. Oh, and an entrepreneur. Oh, and every second weekend when he's not recording his album, he's a race car driver.

Someone with this many talents, can't be very talented at all.

Good luck ladies... oh, and keep an eye on that drink.

1 comment:

  1. Good one M!! This one is my favourite, sooo well-written too, I have been rolling with laughter for the past 5 mins. "He's gay, or worse, he's straight." ahahaha classic!

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