Ode to the real ones...

Shout to all the guys who actually love the woman they say they love.

In practice, as much as theory.

Who aren't texting someone else at all hours of the day, talking about how badly they need them and want them and "miss" them while she's away. Who aren't kissing and "craving" another girls lips and hips, and calling her "babe". Who don't see and use words like "friendship" and "respect" opportunistically, as cards to be played.

You are the real unicorns. 

You are the reason we keep at it. Keep trusting in something we do not see.

Because the rest of these heauxs, well... they're just all the same, really.


It's like, one of the most challenging things about being a single girl is holding on to the hope that you won't end up with just another one of these guys "committed" to his "relationship". 

... you just see too much shit.


That little bit extra...

I'm buying crystals.

That is the point I'm at y'all. Crystals for love, attracting love, receiving love and feeling love. Also crystals for mental clarity, and decision making.

My eyes and aura are bout to be open and sharp as fuck.

We are on this level people.


The vow...

I'm watching a friend go through a break-up and it's making me think. Five months, and things still just haven't quite kicked into gear for him. Which is ok - that's life, and love, and relationships. But... she's waiting for him to change his mind. Or at least, wants him to. And that's the problem, because this isn't about his mind, it's about his heart.

So, I'm making a vow, to myself, to stop waiting around for guys from this point on. Because the simple truth is, if you're waiting, you're not a priority. Not for a relationship, not for a date, not for a text. And I'm absolutely worth a text. Plain and simple. 

Words mean nothing; actions do. I don't want to hear what you think of me, I want you to show me. And if you can't, no worries, I'm not mad, I won't judge. But I won't wait either. 

Because I have a life to get to. 

And this is much easier said than done, I get that, but that's why I'm writing it down. As a reminder, a proof of contract, that I know I can do better. 

Because while I do think we need to be careful not to make it seem like we don't need a man (which I think is very much something I may do, actually) - it's important that we don't need a man. Not for definition, not for purpose, not for happiness or practicality, or getting things done. I can take my own vacations, I can pay my own bills, I can give me my own love. And I can certainly hold my own until someone who is actually interested in making me a priority does come along.

Herein signed by me.  



Walking the line...

There is a fine line between being open and vulnerable and being... well, foolish, I guess.

And I need to learn it. 

Because even though it's taken me a long time to open up again, and learn that giving love is ok and doesn't cost me anything, I can't just be giving it to people who don't appreciate it's worth. To people who say they want it, say they need it even, but don't reciperorate it. 

...who can't even send a text back, literally. 

This is where I need to assess how and where I'm dispensing my energies. And I don't want to think of love as an exchange or trade, like I give you some therefore you owe some back to me, that's not how it works and it's not how we should think it does. But, at the same time, giving and giving and giving, to one person or several, and not getting any back... sucks, simply put. I need to look at things more clearly I think, just be a little more clear eyed and realistic with my expectations, from who. (But like, I literally go into everything so laid back and open,and unattached to results; I don't want to become afraid of just hoping.)

But that's the lesson I guess. Love is free, and often those who need it most are those who aren't in a place to give it back. I just need to make sure that I'm giving it to me too. That for every ounce I give away - freely, without expectation - I give two ounces to me, acknowledged and appreciated. Because   I'm someone I can count on at least, I just need to let myself. 

I'm so ready for someone to not be scared with me... so ready. 


10 celebs I'd like to...

Given the context of what I usually write about - the universe and my broken love life - this post may seem random. But as I sit here trying to re-vamp (read: literally just start) my social media accounts, searching for interesting post content (specifically MCMs because who doesn't love to look at a pretty face), I can't help but get lost in this fantasy.

Also why not -this shit is fun.

So, in no particular order, here we go:

1. Tom Hardy
I mean, I don't usually do vanilla, but when I do its this look, head to toe. Beard, slightly scruffy, tanned, tatted and hiding ridiculousy beautiful boyish good looks.

2. Cam Newton
Cam, sweet, sweet Cam. Two words: That. Smile.

Also, those arms.
Also, that jawline.
Also... those arms.
(what, I didn't say only two words.)

3. Idris
Because he is the definition of tall dark and handsome. And that, mixed with the salt & pepper and the Hackney accent - girl, don't tell me God isn't good to you.

4. Luther 
Yes, I'm aware that this is a character and therefore not a real option but how else do you get Idris on here twice? Also he is troubled and so desperately in need of a woman's love. I can be that woman.

5. Drake (with weight)
I saw Drake once in a restaurant in Toronto and for like 3 solid seconds we eye fucked. He couldn't really look cuz he was siting with a girl friend - not girlfriend, I refuse - so it was one of those I'm-tryna-be-discrete-here-but-gotdamn-I-see-you-still looks and alas, I was inseminated. Baby Drakes swim inside me.

6. Jason Momoa
Bruh, I have your Khalisi right here, son. Moon, stars, horse-drawn chariot and all.

7. Jamie Oliver
Only because he genuinely seems like one of the nicest guys ever and makes cooking look really fun. I don't think he's particularly funny or all that interesting to be honest, but then again, I'm probably a lot jollier on a full stomach anyway. Also, he seems like a great dad.

Speaking of (hot) dads...

8. Brad Pitt
Any hairstyle. Any age. Any day. 12A+ gold stars on 10.


I think that's it, I'm not even at ten but no one is else is coming to -

9. Jessie. Fucking. Williams. 
How did I almost forget. Preaching those soulful messages of divine enlightenment right into the depths of my heavenly womb. If I can't have a man like this myself then by God, I will make sure to create one, to bless upon future generations. (Because let's face it, they're fucked.) More men like this, please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Alright, now I'm done.

Author's note: Wine may or may not have been consumed while writing this post. (Ok, it was definitely consumed, but how much I'm not sure.)


I take it back...

Ok, I need to retract something - officially.

When I said that the next guy I see/sleep with was going to be "the guy", I didn't mean it. That is, I wasn't trying to create it. All I was trying to say was that I'm ready for that kind of love - not that trying (or willing) to wait forever for it.


Like, shit, throw me a bone here, I'm in my fucking prime and its getting wasted.


Outside perspective...

So I had a really interesting conversation the other day. Well actually, two.

First - a rather blunt conversation about a my inability to cut things off with people, and at what point do I draw the line (in dating, committed love, friendships, etc.) Which is fair enough because I do tend to hang on to well, everyone - regardless of whether I "need" to or not, so to speak. I just kind of keep being "cool" with everything under the guise of not judging: selfishness, actions not matching up to words, people just generally not taking care, and putting other things before me, before love etc. Not in a way that harms me too much though, no, I now recognize what is and isn't healthy love and know when to take my distance. I just don't tend to hold things against people for too long, or let much taint my perception of who they are as a person. Unless they are a total fuck up of course, but even then, that's more about me letting go of it; they just get removed from my life, once and for all. But in general, I let a lot slide. Mainly because I don't care enough to hold the grudge (just too much work and I don't have time), and also because karma is the only guarantee in life - you get what you put out. It's not a joke, it's physics - there is no cheating it.

The flip side of that is that I often tend to put up with a lot of crap that I don't need to. Especially when it comes to guys. From little things like lagging or inconsistent communication, to attaching myself and my time to unavailable men because of we have a "genuine connection", friendly or otherwise. And no judgement, life isn't black and white and love is complicated and time is finicky so things don't always happen in the most comfortable order. But I can do better, for me.

Anyway, then, the other night I was having drinks with a new friend and doing the whole love life breakdown thing and mentioning, in passing, that I wasn't good at breaking things off with people and often find myself in situations that I don't necessarily want to be in because I have a problem taking saying no to it - and she said something that hit me like a brick in the face. She said, quite matter of factly while concentrating on her humus spread, "Because you have a fear of missing out. You feel like they have something to offer you that you don't think you can offer yourself. You need to figure out what that is and why."

Just like that. As if she was saying she ate a turkey sandwich for lunch.

 Meanwhile I'm sitting there like... whoa.

Like the universe just ripped a giant crack through my ceiling revealing itself to me in all its glory. (I know you know what I mean). That is some truth right there.

Served cold.

But then, all the best things are. (like a delicious tuna crudo.)

So that's where I'm at now. What I'm I getting from those relationships, or looking for from those people, that I'm not giving myself? Love? Care? Attention?... Opportunity? Confidence? What?

And the thing is, I am, and have been for a long while, very confident in who I am and what I have to offer. There is nothing I think I can't do, nothing I think I can't handle. But there is obvi some truth there, because when it comes to taking care of me, my track record is kind of shit.

So ... I have some work to do, stat.