9.18.2016

A conversation you don't need the begining of to get...

[...]

So the question is do you say something to him? Well, yes, I think so.

Partly because if you're like me, you're tired of the bs and have been let down too many times by guys you could have sworn at least respected you enough as a human being to actually be real with, so at this point in your life you don't have time for games.

But also because listen, if you ever have the slightest inkling that you are being taken for a round, you're probably right. And sure, they'll tell you that's not always the case, or that they aren't all the same, or not to put your baggage from one onto another (I'm literally laughing at just how many times I have heard this), but the truth is that's the routine. That's what they say (some more convincingly than others) because that's how they keep you. For them, for later. Don't be fooled.

So then how do you know? Truth? You don't. If I've learned one thing, its that you really just don't. You will be deliberately mislead by those claiming to be "real", totally misread the signs of those who are not, all the while completely oblivious or dismissive of the ones of those who really are.

What it comes down to is timing; your eyes being open at the right time and having the right guy at the right point in his life walk into focus. That's literally it.

The rest is just life. And lessons.

So how is it so easy for everyone else? Its not. But they're saying "okay, I'll just go for it and see" or "I'll just chose this one, because I can" or because its safe or because it's a "good enough" version of love and they'll deal with the rest later, or not.

That's what I've learned. There are lucky ones, but they're the lucky ones.

And its fucking sad. And scary. Because you don't want "good enough", you want the real thing. And there is no shame in that, but understand that holding out for it is going to require that you be ready and whole enough within yourself to be able to love yourself enough to heal your own wounds.

Because its going to be a rough journey, yes ma'am a very rough one indeed - but worth every bit once arrived.

So yes, tell him. Tell him you are not here for the bs. Be strong enough to say that "at the very least, I'm worth honesty and truth, and at the very most, divine and devoted love. So if you're too weak to give that to me that's fine, I can do that for me myself, but take me off your list of girls to waste time with, because I'm on a mission here and you're just getting in the way."

9.17.2016

I don't really have anything to say here, this picture just appeals to me on so many levels - mood, views, manifestations, wishlist... all a dat.

What can I say - I'm a girl. 

9.16.2016

Lesson 8710:

Even the good boys, the church boys, the 'this is the kind of guy you bring home to mom' boys, are working all four burners at any given time.

It may not feel like it to you, but that's kinda the whole point.


9.11.2016

Set back, not a step back...


So, I did something you’re not supposed to do.

Its not bad, its just not … helpful. To me.

I looked up the ex.

Just on Insta – nothing else. I was shopping on the street we used to live on together and all the memories and nostalgia just kinda came flooding back. I just wanted an update. And oh, did I get one. Travel, fiancé, baby… like - whoa, ok. That’s a lot to take in.

One because (naturally) I’m wondering if I’ve missed out. If I made the mistake that I will live to regret forever (I know, dramatic). And even though at the time we broke up, I was sure it was right and knew that he just wasn’t the person for me… now… four years down the line, still looking for my person, wanting marriage and the works, and even a just a body to wrap myself into every night, I can’t help but ask if I was just too… eager?

Too naïve. To wait. To be patient. To let "what could be” turn into itself.

And then there is the part where, everything I saw for us, and wanted for him, now is – with someone else. (And I know we all say that, but I believe that it’s a fair statement. Because I think breakups force us to look at ourselves, and question if we really could have done more, or better by our partner. And he was very much the type who listened and reflected on his own time, long after the lesson was had.) Anyway, it seems like he finally decided let go and live a little. To make plans, to travel, to enjoy his time off; and just let life happen.

And it’s a bit frustrating in a “this could have been us” kind of way, because, as women, we just know things. (And I don't mean that in any away against men, its just true.) We see things., before they happen. We love hard enough to see our man’s future and potential and we do very much, in a way, live in that possibility. We lay the groundwork, putting up with the now with every intention of paving the path to his, to our, later.

So when you see that later finally being lived (happy for him) but with someone else (kind of a bummer for me), it puts a little knot in your heart. Because you saw that. You felt that, and for a long while, you worked for that, for "us". And yet, its wasn’t for us. It was for someone else.
And there is no love lost, there is no misery that I feel or wish for because of it… but there is a thought that maybe, if I just stuck with it, I would be where I so want to be right now.


I don’t know, it’s a tricky one. I just have to trust that I knew what was what back then, and made the best decision I could when I did.

In the meantime, I just gotta keep thinking that what’s meant for me must just still be cooking… yeah.  

8.29.2016

Ode to the real ones...

Shout to all the guys who actually love the woman they say they love.

In practice, as much as theory.

Who aren't texting someone else at all hours of the day, talking about how badly they need them and want them and "miss" them while she's away. Who aren't kissing and "craving" another girls lips and hips, and calling her "babe". Who don't see and use words like "friendship" and "respect" opportunistically, as cards to be played.

You are the real unicorns. 

You are the reason we keep at it. Keep trusting in something we do not see.

Because the rest of these heauxs, well... they're just all the same, really.

...

It's like, one of the most challenging things about being a single girl is holding on to the hope that you won't end up with just another one of these guys "committed" to his "relationship". 

... you just see too much shit.

8.24.2016

That little bit extra...

I'm buying crystals.

That is the point I'm at y'all. Crystals for love, attracting love, receiving love and feeling love. Also crystals for mental clarity, and decision making.

My eyes and aura are bout to be open and sharp as fuck.

We are on this level people.

8.21.2016

08.21.16

I think I may have met my person.
... or at least, I hope its him.



Its hard to tell.

8.15.2016

The vow...

I'm watching a friend go through a break-up and it's making me think. Five months, and things still just haven't quite kicked into gear for him. Which is ok - that's life, and love, and relationships. But... she's waiting for him to change his mind. Or at least, wants him to. And that's the problem, because this isn't about his mind, it's about his heart. (She will be ok btw, this is just typical break-up stuff.)

So, I'm making a vow, to myself, to stop waiting around for guys from this point on. Because the simple truth is, if you're waiting, you're not a priority. Not for a relationship, not for a date, not for a text. And I'm absolutely worth a text. Plain and simple. 

Words mean nothing; actions do. I don't want to hear what you think of me, I want you to show me. And if you can't, no worries, I'm not mad, I won't judge. But I won't wait either. 

Because I have a life to get to. 

And this is much easier said than done, I get that, but that's why I'm writing it down. As a reminder, a proof of contract, that I know I can do better. 

Because while I do think we need to be careful not to make it seem like we don't need a man (which I think is very much something I may do, actually) - it's important that we don't need a man. Not for definition, not for purpose, not for happiness or practicality, or getting things done. I can take my own vacations, I can pay my own bills, I can give me my own love. And I can certainly hold my own until someone who is actually interested in making me a priority does come along.

Herein signed by me.  

xo

8.08.2016

Walking the line...

There is a fine line between being open and vulnerable and being... well, foolish, I guess.

And I need to learn it. 

Because even though it's taken me a long time to open up again, and learn that giving love is ok and doesn't cost me anything, I can't just be giving it to people who don't appreciate it's worth. To people who say they want it, say they need it even, but don't reciperorate it. 

...who can't even send a text back, literally. 

This is where I need to assess how and where I'm dispensing my energies. And I don't want to think of love as an exchange or trade, like I give you some therefore you owe some back to me, that's not how it works and it's not how we should think it does. But, at the same time, giving and giving and giving, to one person or several, and not getting any back... sucks, simply put. I need to look at things more clearly I think, just be a little more clear eyed and realistic with my expectations, from who. (But like, I literally go into everything so laid back and open,and unattached to results; I don't want to become afraid of just hoping.)

But that's the lesson I guess. Love is free, and often those who need it most are those who aren't in a place to give it back. I just need to make sure that I'm giving it to me too. That for every ounce I give away - freely, without expectation - I give two ounces to me, acknowledged and appreciated. Because   I'm someone I can count on at least, I just need to let myself. 

I'm so ready for someone to not be scared with me... so ready.