Lemme explain...

I feel like I should to elaborate on my last post.

Because while some of you might get what I mean, to the average Joe coming across my blog, it might seem like I'm saying I don't have any standards when it comes to love slash men slash my dating life slash slash slash slash.

And that's definitely NOT the case. I mean, I like to have some fun too sometimes, but there is definitely a bar firmly set in place, and its at like, Olympic level high-jump height. Most days.

Anyway, what I meant was, I need to set some standards, or boundaries, that protect my peace. Peace of mind, peace of life, peace of happiness.

Because I've set myself up pretty well here. As in, I'm comfortable in this little bubble I've built. I have great friends, a small crew of really good people, a great little apartment, a nice social life, and challenging projects and opportunities that fuel me. And I need to protect that.

I can't be letting my want for someone special compromise what's good for me, and take away from what I'm building.

You see it's not so much it's not about weeding out the bad ones - well, ok yes its definitely about that in part - but what I mean is, its not so much focused on judging men for their shortcomings as it is recognizing and being strict about the point at which something is feeding me vs. starving me.

If its not hitting drop it and move on. Simple.

I need to establish a gut based cut-off point, so to speak. That thing that says "nope, this is not what you want it to be, let it go". A marker to recognize and trust, so that not every interaction I have with a man has room for circumstance and context and rationalizations. Because I've learned that I can rationalize anything if I really want to. And I mean, anything.

And that's not ok. Not when it's my emotional well-being that's at risk. I should not be rationalizing the love I want.

So yeah, hard lines - get some.



Note to self...

Set yourself some standards.
and stick to em'.

(And stop letting the cute ones rope you in.)


If not this... what?

Why am I like this?

Why do I get so attached to the idea of a man.

There is a guy, who I so desperately want to be "my guy", literally the sum of things I have asked for since I was fourteen up until lessons I learned this past summer. The definition of a man. Secure, strong minded, kind, loving, beautiful, driven, directed, focused, confident, calm, grown, mature... and yet, still, not available to me.


Does it really all come down to location? I don't know if this is gonna make any sense to you - but it can't be that love is ruled by geography. Location can't be the determining factor in what is for you and what is not ... right?

It can't be the reason why you don't win... right? 

Life wouldn't dangle this in front of you like a carrot just for the hell of it... right?

Then again, maybe, its not geography.

Maybe, just maybe... it's him.


A conversation you don't need the begining of to get...


So the question is do you say something to him? Well, yes, I think so.

Partly because if you're like me, you're tired of the bs and have been let down too many times by guys you could have sworn at least respected you enough as a human being to actually be real with, so at this point in your life you don't have time for games.

But also because listen, if you ever have the slightest inkling that you are being taken for a round, you're probably right. And sure, they'll tell you that's not always the case, or that they aren't all the same, or not to put your baggage from one onto another (I'm literally laughing at just how many times I have heard this), but the truth is that's the routine. That's what they say (some more convincingly than others) because that's how they keep you. For them, for later. Don't be fooled.

So then how do you know? Truth? You don't. If I've learned one thing, its that you really just don't. You will be deliberately mislead by those claiming to be "real", totally misread the signs of those who are not, all the while completely oblivious or dismissive of the ones of those who really are.

What it comes down to is timing; your eyes being open at the right time and having the right guy at the right point in his life walk into focus. That's literally it.

The rest is just life. And lessons.

So how is it so easy for everyone else? Its not. But they're saying "okay, I'll just go for it and see" or "I'll just chose this one, because I can" or because its safe or because it's a "good enough" version of love and they'll deal with the rest later, or not.

That's what I've learned. There are lucky ones, but they're the lucky ones.

And its fucking sad. And scary. Because you don't want "good enough", you want the real thing. And there is no shame in that, but understand that holding out for it is going to require that you be ready and whole enough within yourself to be able to love yourself enough to heal your own wounds.

Because its going to be a rough journey, yes ma'am a very rough one indeed - but worth every bit once arrived.

So yes, tell him. Tell him you are not here for the bs. Be strong enough to say that "at the very least, I'm worth honesty and truth, and at the very most, divine and devoted love. So if you're too weak to give that to me that's fine, I can do that for me myself, but take me off your list of girls to waste time with, because I'm on a mission here and you're just getting in the way."


I don't really have anything to say here, this picture just appeals to me on so many levels - mood, views, manifestations, wishlist... all a dat.

What can I say - I'm a girl. 


Lesson 8710:

Even the good boys, the church boys, the 'this is the kind of guy you bring home to mom' boys, are working all four burners at any given time.

It may not feel like it to you, but that's kinda the whole point.


Set back, not a step back...

So, I did something you’re not supposed to do.

Its not bad, its just not … helpful. To me.

I looked up the ex.

Just on Insta – nothing else. I was shopping on the street we used to live on together and all the memories and nostalgia just kinda came flooding back. I just wanted an update. And oh, did I get one. Travel, fiancé, baby… like - whoa, ok. That’s a lot to take in.

One because (naturally) I’m wondering if I’ve missed out. If I made the mistake that I will live to regret forever (I know, dramatic). And even though at the time we broke up, I was sure it was right and knew that he just wasn’t the person for me… now… four years down the line, still looking for my person, wanting marriage and the works, and even a just a body to wrap myself into every night, I can’t help but ask if I was just too… eager?

Too naïve. To wait. To be patient. To let "what could be” turn into itself.

And then there is the part where, everything I saw for us, and wanted for him, now is – with someone else. (And I know we all say that, but I believe that it’s a fair statement. Because I think breakups force us to look at ourselves, and question if we really could have done more, or better by our partner. And he was very much the type who listened and reflected on his own time, long after the lesson was had.) Anyway, it seems like he finally decided let go and live a little. To make plans, to travel, to enjoy his time off; and just let life happen.

And it’s a bit frustrating in a “this could have been us” kind of way, because, as women, we just know things. (And I don't mean that in any away against men, its just true.) We see things., before they happen. We love hard enough to see our man’s future and potential and we do very much, in a way, live in that possibility. We lay the groundwork, putting up with the now with every intention of paving the path to his, to our, later.

So when you see that later finally being lived (happy for him) but with someone else (kind of a bummer for me), it puts a little knot in your heart. Because you saw that. You felt that, and for a long while, you worked for that, for "us". And yet, its wasn’t for us. It was for someone else.
And there is no love lost, there is no misery that I feel or wish for because of it… but there is a thought that maybe, if I just stuck with it, I would be where I so want to be right now.

I don’t know, it’s a tricky one. I just have to trust that I knew what was what back then, and made the best decision I could when I did.

In the meantime, I just gotta keep thinking that what’s meant for me must just still be cooking… yeah.  


Ode to the real ones...

Shout to all the guys who actually love the woman they say they love.

In practice, as much as theory.

Who aren't texting someone else at all hours of the day, talking about how badly they need them and want them and "miss" them while she's away. Who aren't kissing and "craving" another girls lips and hips, and calling her "babe". Who don't see and use words like "friendship" and "respect" opportunistically, as cards to be played.

You are the real unicorns. 

You are the reason we keep at it. Keep trusting in something we do not see.

Because the rest of these heauxs, well... they're just all the same, really.


It's like, one of the most challenging things about being a single girl is holding on to the hope that you won't end up with just another one of these guys "committed" to his "relationship". 

... you just see too much shit.